When Children Shout, Should We Shout Louder? Or Softer?

The Hidden Power of Calm Parenting

We’ve all been there.

You’re in the kitchen, trying to get dinner on
the table. The pressure cooker is hissing, your phone is ringing, and suddenly, your child is screaming over a toy that “someone else touched.” You take a deep breath. Then another. And then… You snap.

You shout.

And in that moment, everything escalates. The volume increases, emotions spike, and what could have been a teachable moment turns into a battlefield. If this has happened to you, take heart—you’re not alone. But here’s the secret most of us wish we had learned earlier:

When our child raises his/her voice, we need to lower ours.

Yes. Even when every nerve in our body wants to do the opposite.

Why Do Kids Shout?

Children shout for the same reasons we do—they want to be heard, they feel overwhelmed, or they don’t know a better way to express themselves. But here’s the key difference: children don’t yet have the emotional regulation tools we adults are expected to have.

Imagine being told “calm down” when your world feels like it’s spinning. That’s exactly what happens to our children when they’re told to stop yelling—without being shown how.

Tone is Everything

Think about this: When you say “Stop shouting!” in a loud, frustrated tone, what are you really modeling? Shouting.

Your behaviour shows shouting—and your expectation is that the child should calm down or talk softly? That’s a mixed message. Children don’t just follow instructions—they follow energy.

You have to model what you expect. Walk your talk.

Children learn more from our behaviour than from the words spoken.

But when you drop your voice to a calm, steady level—even amid chaos—you create a new energy in the room. Your tone becomes the thermostat, not the thermometer. You control the emotional climate instead of reacting to it.

Try saying, “I see you’re upset. Let’s sit down and talk when we’re both calm,” in a soft, even voice.

Chances are, they’ll still huff and puff—but they’ll also start mirroring you sooner than you think.

Discipline is Not Control

We often mistake discipline for control. We think it means “making” our child behave, or “fixing” their mood.

But discipline—true discipline—isn’t about shouting, scolding, or overpowering. It’s about teaching. And teaching doesn’t happen in chaos.

Imagine your child is learning to swim. Would you yell at them every time they swallowed water? No. You’d support them gently and show them how to move better next time.

Discipline is like that.

Discipline Is an Art

It’s not one-size-fits-all. Some days it’s setting boundaries. Some days, it’s picking your battles. And some days, it’s simply about breathing and letting the storm pass.

Just like any art, it takes time, patience, and practice.

You won’t always get it right. Neither will your child. But if your goal is to build a connection instead of compliance, you’re already on the right path.

The Power of Modelling Calmness

Children learn more from what they see than what they hear.

If they see us screaming every time things go wrong, they’ll do the same. If they see us staying calm during stress, they’ll try to do the same.

A child who grows up watching calmness being modeled doesn’t magically become an angel, but they do learn that shouting isn’t the only way to be heard.

When they see us pausing before responding… taking deep breaths… saying, “I’m upset but I’ll talk when I’m calmer”—they begin to adopt those habits.

But What If They Still Don’t Listen?

Ah, the golden question.

There will be moments when your child just doesn’t listen—no matter how soft or calm you are.

That doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re parenting.

In those moments, instead of raising your voice, try these gentle approaches:

Whisper: It’s surprising how often whispering draws attention. It creates curiosity and breaks the shouting cycle.
Sit down at their level: Physically lowering yourself can help them feel less threatened and more open.
Use touch: A gentle hand on the shoulder or a warm hug can sometimes say more than words.
Offer a choice: “Would you like to brush your teeth now, or after the story?” Giving control reduces defiance.
Delay the conversation: “Let’s take a break and talk about this in 5 minutes.” Time can soften emotions.

Patience is the Bridge

Let’s be honest—staying patient when your child is yelling, crying, or refusing to budge isn’t easy. But patience is the bridge between emotion and understanding.

Patience isn’t passive. It’s powerful.

It tells your child: “You can be messy, emotional, and confused, and I’ll still be here with love and boundaries.”

And no matter what age your child is, this message builds safety. Safety builds trust. And trust builds cooperation.

Gentle Doesn’t Mean Weak

Let’s clear up a myth. Calm parenting doesn’t mean permissive parenting. You’re not saying “yes” to everything or letting your child rule the house.

You’re saying:

“I will stay calm even when you don’t.”
“I will guide, not punish.”
“I will teach, not intimidate.”

This is not weakness. This is leadership.

Your Calm is Contagious

Think about those moments when you’ve walked into a room where someone is deeply calm. Instantly, you feel it too, right?

The same applies to parenting. Your calm is contagious.

It teaches your child to slow down. To breathe. To process instead of react.

They may not thank you today. But one day, they’ll surprise you with the very words and tone you once used with them.

You Don’t Need to Be Perfect—Just Present

You will raise your voice sometimes. You will lose your cool.

But here’s the beautiful part—children don’t need perfect parents. They need present parents.

Apologize when you shout. Say, “I didn’t handle that well, I’m learning too.” Let them see that even adults are growing.

This model's humility and humanity. And it opens the door to a deeper connection.

Final Thoughts: What They Will Remember

One day, your child will grow up and think back to these early years.

They won’t remember every toy or every rule.

But they’ll remember how your voice made them feel.

They’ll remember if your home was a safe space for emotions.

They’ll remember if they could mess up and still be loved.

So next time your child is shouting, try this:

Lower your voice. Drop your shoulders. Breathe. Connect.

Because the goal isn’t just obedience.

The goal is to raise emotionally intelligent humans who know how to navigate their feelings—and yours—with compassion and calm.

If this article spoke to your heart, share it with another parent who needs to hear this reminder:

Your softness isn’t weakness. It’s your child’s safe place. 💛

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